There Will be Cheddar

Remember when every little jackass and his frat brother used to talk like Borat? I do. It was horrible. But even I, Lord of Cheddarwick and the Earl of Keeping it Real, fell victim to this horrible trend on Yom Kippur 2006, when I chased older members of the congregation around the temple shouting, “wa wa wee wa!” and almost killed an 80 year-old parapalegic in a wheel chair.

But time passed and eventually people put their Eastern European accents back in the closet, right next to their old Jincos, the phrase “true story,” and headbands in general, and as fate would have it, this carved out a nice, far less annoying window for Daniel Day Lewis / Daniel Plainview impersonations. I don't know about you, but I can’t help but chuckle when someone’s all “I’ll drink your milkshake” or “Why don’t I own this?” like that most sadistic oil man.

I know this is pretty dated and not totally salient, but I re-watched There Will Be Bud today, and this got me thinking: what about a pornographic spin-off?

I was rapping with this kid Derver about this and we decided it should probably be called THERE WILL BE BLOOD…ON THE SHEETS and star some weird Oil Man just going around being like, “Why don’t I bone this? Why don’t I bone this?” Then ultimately he would bone a lot of chicks and at each climax there would be sick intercuts between oil rigs exploding and the dude standing across the room being like, “My straw reaches acrossss the room.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, if I say I’m a coitus man, I think you’d agree."