The Tournament: An Homage to Deuce Carter

I just picked Duke over UCONN in a relatively low-scoring final game for my facebook pool. For those of you who just subscribed to my blog, I am opposed to Duke on a highly fundamental level, and to be honest, I haven’t loved UCONN since Khalid El-ACheddar was running the show and fathering illegitimate children on the side, so why the fuck would I choose these teams if I hate them and don’t even think they’re that good?

Your guess is as good as mine, blog, but not as good as Happy Will's! His analysis illustrates why all the butchers, bakers and candlestick makers ‘round town also call him Mature Cheddar.

“Bro,” he said. “Ironically enough, picking an NCAA bracket is the aspect of your life in which you are the most conservative.”

I feel like I am being held hostage and forced to sign a document I don’t want to be signing every time I fill out an NCAA bracket. I know I might appear on the outside like a dare-devil risk-taker, but people don’t know what’s going on in my head as I look at these teams.

For all of you law students out there who read this blog while snacking on a fresh stick of biltong (I’m talking to you, PAKTER), I bet you’re wondering whether my brackets could be used in the court of law. Is a bracket signed under duress a legitimate bracket? Soon law students 'round the world will be citing Cheddar Ted’s plight in their first year contracts course.

“Well, under the ruling of Cheddar Ted v. The People, you’re all of full of it!”

E Pluri-deuce unum, blog.

Regardless, as I said last year, “the tournament takes and it gives, man.” Every March, I buy a two week pass into the six flags of my mind and hop on the most turbulent ride the park has to offer.

Today as I was strolling through the yard listening to the theme song of Jurassic Park by John Williams, I thought to myself, “Fuck, John Williams was a genius.” Then I thought to myself, “Wait, this dude is still alive.”

All this thinking about music obviously got me jacked up for the tournament. Even though I love One Shining Moment, the song played every year during the end-of-the-tournament montage, I wonder if I would like said montage a bit more if there was a different song playing.”

One thing led to another, and I soon found myself at a VES lecture scrawling a top ten list of the best songs for sports-related montages on a flashcard I originally made for Envrionmental Risks and Disasters.

Here are the contents of the flash card (omitting the information on Shield Volcanoes).
Fuck it, here's the information on Shield Volcanoes!

"Shield Volcanoes are wide volcanoes with shallowly sloping sides, formed by lava flows of low viscosity."

Here's the rest:

10) Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls—I know all you skeptics are probably thinking, “Wasn’t this the theme song of that Nick Cage film City of Angels!?!” Well, I would just answer that by saying, “Yes it was, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t make a sick song for a sports-related montage!” I may have gone out on a limb with this one, but something inside of me just knows this would make a montage mad poignant, and poignancy is an essential aspect of any good montage.

9) Tubthumping by Chumbawamba—Although a part of me will always think of Home Alone II when I hear this track, another part of me, a more dominant part, will become incredibly amped. It’s the type of song that makes you want to slap the floor on defense or dupe criminals that are trying to kill you, even though you’re in an unfamiliar city and you’re only 10 years old!

8) Ready to Go by Republica—This song would be perfect for clips of everyone’s favorite mascots and mid-major teams huddling before tip-off. The track reminds you what it means to write messages on your kicks, put on your jersey knowing it could be the last time you ever do, and slap the backboard extra hard during lay-up lines because, after all, they don’t call ‘em college lay-ups for nothing ;)

7) Right Here, Right Now by Fatboy Slim—Though the title of this song is curiously similar to number 4 on the list, it is ultimately dissimilar in its effect. The beginning draws you in and would perfectly complement clips from the first few rounds, and then as the music crescendos, so would the tournament! Although the track does not appeal to the more sensitive of emotions, it certainly knows how to get it started, buddies. Hmmm, that makes me think of….

6) LET’S GET IT STARTED (,BUDDIES!!) by The Black-Eyed Peas—Even though the Black-Eyed Peas are one of the most fugazy musical groups in the history of music, dating back to the great classical composer, Handel, this song, even more so than Right Here, Right Now, is the inspiration behind what Gritz and I are always blathering about when we talk about getting it started, buddies. There are few things more important than getting it started, buddies, but this song, like many of the songs featured thus far in the list, does not invoke a feeling of poignancy. Coupled with the fact that the Black-Eyed Peas are very, very fugazy, Let’s Get It Started (,Buddies!!) will never crack the top five.

5) The Hey Song (no artist attributed, except maybe John Ng, our old tutor who used to call us all “hey,” or “Lax Stick,” the character from Mario Baseball)—This song, though it might not be the best song for all sports, would fit the tournament montage as perfectly as Cinderella’s shoe fits various teams every year. Na nah nah, nah nah, nah nah nahhhhhh. This just in…My good buddy Derver has informed me that the true creator of this song was once busted for Kiddie Porn! Wait…Should The Hey Song be put higher on the list!?

4) Right Now by Van Halen—This track might as well be called, “when the game’s on the line and you look into your opponent’s eyes, do you want it more?” Also, what the eff happened to Crystal Pepsi!?!

3) Praise You by Fatboy Slim—I hate to put Fatboy Slim on this list twice, but this song just screams, “Montage! MONTAGGGE!” It tells the story of teamwork, about what it takes for a team to coalesce throughout the season, and the feeling that ensues when it all “comes together.” It also has a particularly choppy part that would lend itself perfectly to a compilation of the tournament’s best images in the form of a rapid succession slide show.

2) Dream on by Aerosmith—I shook more violently than Muhammad Ali ever has when the climax of this song played over an image of the boxer standing over Sonny Liston in ESPN’s Sports Images of The Millenium Montage, aired at the turn of the century. I once called this the greatest song ever for sports-related montages, and it very well may be, but when all is Ched and Done, there can only be one champion…of both the NCAA tournament and my top ten montage list.

1) Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve—When Nike aired the commercial with this song in the late 90’s, I knew it would forever mean something more for me. Although it becomes a bit weaker when the lead singer comes in with lyrics, the opening musical arrangement is without a doubt the most inspirational arrangement Cheddar has ever heard. It’s the type of arrangement that makes you slap the floor to start the second half, but it’s also the type of arrangement that makes you stay after practice early in the season so you can make crucial foul shots months down the line. It’s the type of arrangement that slows a game-winning three down to the essence of what it means to have your legs under you when you need them. It’s the type of arrangement (coupled with some inspirational words from my good friend Deuce) that gives Cheddar Ted the will to re-write this entire entry from scratch after it was deleted due to a faulty internet connection. It’s the symphony that plays in the heart of Julius Hodge (R.I.P.!?), Gerry McNamara, Adam Morrison (kind of) and a few others who I haven’t heard of….yet.

Enjoy the tournament!

Love,

Cheddar Ted