R.P.I.

With the tournament just around the corner, I decided I'd repostulate a theory I've been tinkering with for about six months now. If you follow college basketball, you're obviously familiar with the Ratings Power Index, but Cheddar’s R.P.I. (actually, someone else came up with this) is a little less run of the mill and has little to do with sports. It is a method of evaluating girls based on the following criteria:

Conference—who she runs with/who her friends are.

Record—looks, personality, general behavior.

Strength of Schedule—who she’s hooked up with.

Hooking up with Cheddar would be like winning your conference tournament and getting an automatic bid into the big dance: mad care-free and fun. Getting with someone lke Gritz, on the other hand, would be more like an at-large bid: a little riskier but with the potential for greatness.

Since we're approaching tournament time, this weekend was really make or break for a lot of on the bubble betties. Getting with a sweet dude at Club Fly or the Fox Heaven and Hell party might boost a girl from a 4 or 5 seed to maybe a 2 or 3, thus making her path to the sweet sixteen a lot smoother (unless it meant a second round match-up against N.C. State).

A few of my friends employ a slightly more archaic method of evaluation called the binary system. The binary system is ok if you're working with an old-school operating system, like if you had an LC II or a Mac Performa, but the R.P.I. accounts for the nuances of finding a cute betty that you'd want to throw your lot in with as you lace up your dancing shoes and critically judge girls.