Look at how much these kids KILLL THIS HIGH SCHOOL TALENT SHOW

Roland Whereos? In France, you Idiot!

I was watching the film Wimbledon last night, and that can only mean one thing: Le French Open est ici. Sadly it also means that I’ve watched two Kristen Dunst flicks in less than a week. But as baffling and regrettable as this might sound, I haven't found her that intolerable. And listen to this: the other flick wasn't Jumanji! It was a 1998 feminist film called All I Wanna Do, in which she plays an incorrigible little sparkplug that helps galvanize the student body of a girl’s finishing school against the “little white gloves” way of life that Mona Lisa Smile used to love shoving up people's asses. But if you're like my twisted friend Gritz and wear a tinted monocle over your anus, maybe this is a scenario where Mona Lisa wouldn't be smiling. Maybe she'd be deucing sun rays.

Regardless, it's a funny film, and it's moving and it made me want to go back in time to fight for women's rights. I tried to do that retroactively in this Gender Studies class I took at Harvard about Women in the sixties, but instead I wrote a one act play about a homosexual soldier who has to explain his newfound sexuality to his wife. It was an ambitious undertaking, no doubt, since I wrote the thing under the constraints of the Hays code, and my performance of it at the Dunkin Donuts on Bow Street in Cambridge was somewhat moving, but it didn’t mean anything. No one’s life was improved.

Plus this is about tennis.

Earlier this morning I was thinking, “The fuck’s Mario Ancic up to right now?” Well, he's in the French Open and he’s playing Federer in the next round! Even though Baby Goran's a great player, I hope he doesn't spoil one of Roger’s last chances at the French. Ancic will have his moment and I predict it will be at the Australian Open, where he will dedicate his performance to Rod Laver and win his first grand slam.

Lastly, Novak Djokovich has a remarkably easy draw. It looks like he’s gonna be able to laugh his ways to the semis...

Notes From The Weekend

Friday, 4 PM – Indiana Jones IV sort of blows

Friday, 10 PM – I like these little five hour energy drinks

Saturday, 10 AM – There’s nothing better than opening up a Borders on a Saturday morning

Saturday, 11 PM – The Secret Life of Salvador Dali is colorful and beautifully written. Since it was likely penned in Dali’s native tongue, Catalan, I wonder if this is a found in translation sort of scenario

Sunday, 12 PM – About a Boy is SUCH a funny and heartwarming little flick

Sunday, 6 PM - The NBA playoffs have – quelle surprise – become passé

Sunday, 10 PM – Scattegories is a fresh game with endless possibilities. I wonder if it’s shortsighted to write off Taboo without ever playing it

Sunday, 11 PM – I don’t want to live in a world where I enjoy playing Taboo

Monday, 3 PM - The crossover between the Lost Boys in Hook and Knucklepuck’s street team in D2 is remarkable

Monday, 5 PM – Even though I am still decent at basketball, I need to start doing push-ups again. I also would like to finally start cycling consistently

There Will be Cheddar

Remember when every little jackass and his frat brother used to talk like Borat? I do. It was horrible. But even I, Lord of Cheddarwick and the Earl of Keeping it Real, fell victim to this horrible trend on Yom Kippur 2006, when I chased older members of the congregation around the temple shouting, “wa wa wee wa!” and almost killed an 80 year-old parapalegic in a wheel chair.

But time passed and eventually people put their Eastern European accents back in the closet, right next to their old Jincos, the phrase “true story,” and headbands in general, and as fate would have it, this carved out a nice, far less annoying window for Daniel Day Lewis / Daniel Plainview impersonations. I don't know about you, but I can’t help but chuckle when someone’s all “I’ll drink your milkshake” or “Why don’t I own this?” like that most sadistic oil man.

I know this is pretty dated and not totally salient, but I re-watched There Will Be Bud today, and this got me thinking: what about a pornographic spin-off?

I was rapping with this kid Derver about this and we decided it should probably be called THERE WILL BE BLOOD…ON THE SHEETS and star some weird Oil Man just going around being like, “Why don’t I bone this? Why don’t I bone this?” Then ultimately he would bone a lot of chicks and at each climax there would be sick intercuts between oil rigs exploding and the dude standing across the room being like, “My straw reaches acrossss the room.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, if I say I’m a coitus man, I think you’d agree."

Grimace: The World's Most Good Natured Dude

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Theodore B Bressman wrote at 9:06pm on August 1st, 2006 When cars see my teeth in this picture, they start slowing down Delete

Theodore B Bressman wrote at 9:07pm on August 1st, 2006 When someone spreads my teeth on an english muffin in this picture, someone is like "I can't believe it's not butter!" Delete

Theodore B Bressman wrote at 7:12pm on December 10th, 2007 When someone combines my teeth with Blue, they get a twisted shade of green Delete

Theodore B Bressman wrote at 12:41am on January 9th, 2008 When someone urinates the color of my teeth, they know they're mad dehydrated Delete

Theodore B Bressman wrote at 3:29pm on January 29th, 2008 When someone sees my teeth in an office environment, they think it's a POST IT NOTE Delete

Gritz Schonberger wrote at 3:30pm on January 29th, 2008 When someone with your teeth is sick, they probably have YELLOW FEVER.

Gritz Schonberger wrote at 3:31pm on January 29th, 2008 When someone answers the phone in a real chauncey sort of way, they say the color of your teeth.

Theodore B Bressman wrote at 3:24pm on February 5th, 2008 When someone uses the color of my teeth as an adjective, they're referring to someone who's cowardly Delete

Theodore B Bressman wrote at 5:08pm on February 19th, 2008 When someone thinks of my teeth in relation to a song, they think of that sensitive song YELLOW by Coldplay Delete

Neeraj 'Richie' Banerji wrote at 3:59pm on February 26th, 2008 When I look at your teeth, I remember the OLD RABID DOG Travis shot at the end of the movie

Theodore B Bressman wrote at 2:52am When someone sees a man dressed in clothes the color of my teeth, they're usually rolling with Curious George

On Kobe Bryant: The NBA's Most Odious Little Bitch

Thirty Old School Jams (In No Particular Order)

30. Simon Says by Pharoahe Monch
This Track is mad chauvinistic and fresh. Dude also looks like a cross between Michael Redd and Tracy McGrady coming out of the water like that.

29. Recognize by the LOX
This Track makes you want to go to Foxwoods casino.

28. Judgement Day by Method Man
This Track always reminds me of Y2K for some reason.

27. Intro to It’s Dark and Hell is Hot by DMX
This Track is the reason some people are always being like, “that’s my man’s and them. That’s my man’s and them."

26. Watch Out Now by Beatnuts
This Track is extraordinarily fresh, in a tropical sort of way.

25. Shook Ones by Mobb Deep
This Track is tight and used well to chaunce Papa Dock in 8 Mile.

24. The Rockwilder by Method Man and Redman
This Track always got me jacked up to play high school basketball games.

23. Superthug by Noreaga
This Track was introduced to me so long ago, I listened to it on a MINIDISC!

22. Real Love by Mary J. Blige feat. Notorious B.I.G.
This Track boasts the DOPEST beat of the 90’s.

21. Ante Up (remix) by M.O.P. feat. Busta Rhymes, Tephlon and Remy
This Track is mad energetic.

20. Dead Wrong by Notorious B.I.G. feat. Eminem
This Track makes fucked up references to North Face jackets and eating humans.

19. Hit ‘Em High by Busta Rhymes, Coolio, LL Cool J, Method Man and Cypress Hill
This Track is a respectful homage to basketball.

18. It’s So Hard by Big Pun feat. Donnell Jones
This Track was sadly prophetic. It was also Donnell Jones’ ZENITH.

17. Wild Out by The LOX
This Track literally says, “If a n*gga step on your goddamn shoe. Fuck him!”

16. Ghetto Superstar by Pras feat. ODB and Mya
This Track is PRAS at his best. Mya also smiles mad cutely at various points in this video, most notably in the beginning.

15. Break Ya Neck by Busta Rhymes
This Track basically forces you to nod your head violently and has a mad funny shot of Busta Rhymes taking out this Ram.

14. Bring it All to me by Blaque feat. JC Chavez
This Track makes you think, “could JC Chavez have had a solo career?”

13. Quiet Storm by Mobb Deep
This Track coins the term “the little duns.”

12. N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S. by The Notorious B.I.G. feat P. Diddy and Lil Kim
This Track is all "Titty out like, what. I don't give a fuck."

11. Whoa (remix) by Black Rob feat. Rah Digga, Lil Cease, G-Deb, Da Brat and others.
This Track was on mad Hot 97 mix tapes around the turn of the century.

10. What’s Luv by Fat Joe feat. Ashanti
This Track probably launched Ashanti’s acting career.

9. Are you that Somebody by Aaliyah feat. Timbaland
This Track put Timbaland on the map...and Aaliyah in the grave.

8. Where the Party At (remix) by Jagged Edge feat. Jermaine Dupri, Da Brat, Lil’ Bow Wow, R.O.C., Tigah
This Track actually leaves out Nelly's fresh verse from the original, but it DOES make you want to get faced off of Apple Martinis.

7. Oh No by Mos Def feat. Nate Dogg and Pharoahe Monch
This Track includes this line by Pharoahe Monch: “MCs just come on round, you’re the next contestant on CATCH A BEATDOWN”

6. Back That Ass Up by Juvenile
This Track makes you want to pour water on girls.

5. Gossip Folks by Missy Elliott featuring Ludacris
This Track isn’t amazing, but Ludacris is mad cool and it sort of established him as a go-to-guy for a fresh verse to spice up any track.

4. I’m a Thug by Trick Daddy
This Track is like a case study on how to be a thug.

3. In the Air Tonight by Lil’ Kim
This Track is a nice tip of the hat to Phil Collins.

2. Ride Wit Me by Nelly feat. City Spud
This Track makes sort of a bizarre reference to Vanna White.

1. Welcome to Atlanta (remix) by Jermaine Dupri feat. Diddy, Murphy Lee, Snoop Dogg
This Track makes you want to chill at Bungalow Eight.

On The Hillel Sandwich

I don't know what percentage of my readership is Jewish (don't think there's a stat counter for that - this isn't IRAN), but anyone with the culinary curiosity of a ten year old might want to open up their cook books for a second and jot down a few notes about the Hillel Sandwich.

The sandwich is named for its inventor, Jewish scholar Hillel the Elder(pictured right), who used to eat it whenever he wasn't waxing about the Jewish faith or amassing mad disciples. It is comprised of haroseth (a nutty, apple-based chutney of a sauce) and raw horseradish and held together by two fresh pieces of Matzoh.

Now every butcher, baker and candelstick maker who hasn't had the sandwich before might not find its ingredients totally appetizing, but I've had about thirty of them in the last two days, and trust me, this is the Arnold Palmer of sandwiches.

The only issue here is the historical inaccuracy brought into question by Hillel and his delicious sandwich. Not to slag the Earl of Sandwich off - he was an innovator and the ultimate Lord of Leisure - but the timing makes you wonder if that dude was truly deserving of all the praise people historically heaped on his lunch table. You don't have to be David McCullough to know that Hillel predated The Earl of Sandwich by several centuries.

But I don't think Hillel the Elder, being the wise sage that he was, would even care that the invention of the sandwich is attributed to the Earl (or in some circles, to Otto Frederick Rohwedder, the inventor of the first mechanical Bread Slicer). The point is, Hillel created the sandwich for people to enjoy, not to debate about. He contrasted tastes with such unique facility of composition so his students could have a quick bite without distraction, not so he could go down in history for inventing the most popular form of lunch.

So do yourself a favor and sit at this bro's historic table. Lunch is served.

Delaying The Real World

Gritz sent me a link to this unofficial fellowship (not as unofficial as this fellowship) called Delaying The Real World, and even though I'm skeptical of any fellowship that claims to delay the real world by giving you $5,000, I applied because the application wasn't too cumbersome.

This whole concept of opportunity costs reminds me of this Economics professor I once had who was all, "if Bill Gates is working and he spots a $100 bill on the floor, it's not economically efficient for him to spend the couple seconds it takes to pick it up." The argument here of course is that Bill Gates makes more than $100 a second so it wouldn't be worth his time to stop working and pick up the C-note.

Although this worthless hypothetical is usually good for a few laughs and some "oooh's" and "ahh's" in any university lecture hall, just like most lessons in economics, it falls apart when removed from underneath a microscope with an "a priori" lens. But in the case of this fellowship, it wasn't too much of a hassle, so I literally delayed the real world for a few minutes and wrote an application...Delay the Real World Fellowship

Application Name: Theodore Bressman

Date of Birth: July 11, 1984

State: California

Phone: blocked out for SECURITY REASONS

Email: bressm@post.harvard.edu

Proposal Submitted: April 15, 2008

Proposal Title: A Bicycle Tour of The Dunkin' Donuts Franchise

Explain your project to us the best you can:

I will visit every Dunkin' Donuts in Massachusetts by way of a Schwinn bicycle and write a book about its lonely identity as the last blue-collar franchise in a white collar industry.

What can you tell us about where your adventure will take place? Why did you pick this specific region/city/country? How familiar are you with it?

It will take place in the great state of Massachusetts, home of jack-o-lanters, depressed people and autumn.

What is the time frame of your proposal? (When can you begin it? How long do you plan on committing to it?)

I would begin this summer and ride the stipend through the foliage-clad fall.

Will you be working with any organizations/non-profits/companies to carry out your proposal?

No.

What is your budget? If you will need additional funding outside of the DTRW fellowship, how do you plan on obtaining it?

My major expense is room (unless I can sleep in 24-hour Dunkin' Donuts). I probably won't go over budget.

Name something that could go wrong and how you would handle it.

My bicycle could break and I'd have to fix it. If my spirit broke, I don't know if I could do the same.

What skills or experiences make you the right person to make your proposal a reality?

My affinity for Dunkin' Donuts is literally unparalleled. I also love cycling.

Do you think your project will make a positive impact on the world?

In a way.

What makes your project unique and how is it different from the projects we’ve selected in the past?

It is the overlap in the venn diagram of life between introspection and immersion in corporate America.

Which adventurer in Delaying the Real World did you find the most inspiring and why?

Andrew Morgan, the Lance Armstrong of the African World. He inspired me to hop back on my bicycle, and though our aims are contrary in nature, it is this appreciation for a pure form of transportation that binds us.

"You hold this boy's future in your hands, committee. It's a valuable future. Don't destroy it. Protect it. Embrace it. It's gonna make you proud one day. I promise you."

-Scent of a Woman

The Task of a Writer

On The Olympics and its Torch

Little Blog

To Dudes who are Laid Off

I'm not trying turn this into a finance blog – this isn't FREAKONOMICS – but it seems like a lot of the investment banks are going to be laying off a few people here and there, and I wanted to offer a word of advice to these people…or at least a word of solace.

Almost a year ago to the day, I was collecting my bounty for winning the NCAA bracket in the athletic department of Dalton, my high school alma mater. Even though this year I will probably win a different $1000 purse and pull off the greatest feat any participant with two brackets can achieve (first and last), this isn't a post about how amazing I am at analyzing NCAA basketball. It's about getting LAID OFF.

As I mentioned, the point of the previous paragraph is not self-promotion; that's the point of my blog in general. It's that my office pool was literally the Dalton Athletic Department. Not to knock that athletic department – in my opinion it's the best run department in New York City (at least it has the best A.D.) – but when I graduated from Harvard I wasn't expecting that eight months later, I'd be coaching a seventh grade baseball team. I was more expecting to be a published author.

But after I got laid off from Podge, Inc., that ill-fated startup Gritz and I worked for, I scrambled. I wanted to stay in New York for human reasons and because I had a four month lease in a very small apartment in the Amsterdam projects. I couldn't find any book agent to publish CheddarTed.com, so I took on a scrappy bunch of recently Bar Mitzvah'ed middle schoolers and we hit the field together. Even though we finished the season 2-11 and didn't score a run until our fifth game, it was a special spring. These kids were so awesome that I ended up delaying my move to Los Angeles so I could finish out the season.

Now a year later, I am basically broke even though I've had the same employer for more than the time it takes to have a child – especially a premature one – and CheddarTed.com is still available for free. But the point is, it's always going to be for free.

In periods of uncertainty, it's especially difficult to keep your sense of perspective. The truth is, it's basically impossible. But if you happen to be laid-off, maybe feel happy you're not married. If you're married, be happy you don't have a child and serious financial obligations. If you have a child and serious financial obligations, I'm sorry. You're fucked!

But seriously, when you're out there, sans a job or viable prospects, things seem scary as hell. But the truth is, you can mope or use your time to your advantage. Learn morse code. Learn a trade. Become a cobbler. Buy a Schwinn. Coach middle school baseball.

There are so many activities. Fucking do them. Once you're back in the nine-to-five, you'll be glad you did.

On Anime

I was doing a bit of drawing on my flight back from Houston, and I was surprised to find that all my sketches were taking the form of sort of a peculiar genre...ANIME. I'm not so artistic, and I kind of gave up the lead pencil senior year of high school when I drew this incredibly dark self-portrait with a bunch of snakes for hair (Tedusa, 2001), but I was flying SouthWest and I definitely "wanted to get away."

In a way it makes sense that this is what I came up with. I have spent several hours a day for the last six months on Youtube watching music videos set to Final Fantasy characters.

The thing is, all these emo-ass tracks I'm embarrassed I listen to are put out by bands who can't really afford music videos. So it's either a jpeg of their album cover or a trippy-ass animated movie that is occasionally bizarrely sexual. You don't have to be King Solomon to choose the latter.

It's now been like three months of peripheral exposure to the underbelly of various animated worlds, and while I have no regrets, a few issues come to mind:

1) Taking the time to edit a music video using semi-pertinent clips where it looks like the characters are mouthing the words seems like a mad weird use of time. But I'm watching, so I guess an audience does exist.

2) I had no idea the creators of the World of Warcraft programmed their characters to be able to break dance and do old school techniques like the "Macarena" and the "Suck it" move. It's pretty sick, but again, a very curious use of the company clock.

3) Games like Final Fantasy seem fresh and all, but to me (and this is based primarily on these videos and this commercial I saw yesterday for some RPG game that got a 9.5 out of 10) it seems like you just spend all your time watching earthquakes and princesses emerging from magical lakes. While these videos display impressive graphics and ridiculous imagination, they don't have me sold in terms of Gameplay alone.

But maybe I'm being too critical. I should probably be thanking these selfless dudes who devote their free time to fastidiously piecing together clips from their favorite video games to match-up with obscure songs. Without these weirdos, I'd probably be listening to PANDORA.

A Dude You Want to Avoid AT ALL COSTS

Boiling Points

Top 40 Teams Based on the Field

R.I.P. Bear Stearns

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

I might be overly partial to this flick since there's an off chance it's actually named after me and my brother, but I've been thinking a lot about the scene where Bill and Ted encounter Rufus and their future selves outside the Circle K, and I'm decently positive this is one of the most intelligent scenes in film history.

I'm no cinefile, but I do "work in film," and I've seen enough of them to wax philosophical in the only way it's possible to wax about film: superciliously. So think back for a moment to that scene outside the Circle K. Just beneath the surface, there are some pretty powerful forces at play: specifically, man's stuggle with perspective.

Present Bill and Ted are some pretty stressed out dudes. They have good reason to believe they're about to flunk out of school, Bill's worried about his lusty father, and Ted's got military school on the mind. They just met this futuristic bro, Rufus, and dementia is NOT something they need right now. But then future Bill and Ted, cavalier and care-free as Bill and Ted are supposed to be, roll through in a magical phonebooth and are like "Listen to this bro Rufus. Tell the princesses we say hi!" And they dial some historical code and take off. They're the same dudes, but from a temporal perspective, the differences between them are remarkable.

This past weekend, I was chilling with some William Morris mailroom bros, and their conversation was so jarringly familiar that I couldn't help but think of Rufus and the Circle K. As they waxed about sweeps, floating, "getting a desk," I romantically mused about these concerns, and how even though I used to feel them, they were now totally a thing of the past. I wanted to be like, "Bros. Haven't you read Camus? NOTHING MATTERS!" But I didn't want to spoil the pinnacle of their tenuous friendships, so I let them joke about rookie mistakes and how HR can be a fickle ally.

I was talking to my buddy Branson about the shifting nature of our personal sense of perspective, and he said, "Do you think we're gonna be chauncing ourselves in three months for having this conversation now?" I was just like, "Maybe."

A lot of people write off EXCELLENT ADVENTURE on account of Bill and Ted's mad colloquial discourse or the fact that they're not so sweet at guitar, but those earnest bros understand that life is about being "excellent to each other," and that a little stress every once in a while isn't the worst thing in the world. At least it gets you listening to Rufus.

Cutest Animated Women in Film

The Tournament

Clem The Feinschmecker Strikes Again

Trickle Down Economics

Cheddar Ted was Written in Kind of an Obsolete Vernacular

Hottest Animated Animals

Homeless People in Beverly Hills

The Broke Ass Teams of the NBA